Welcome to Asking for a Friend, a weekly series dedicated to solving the messy, awkward, and confusing parts of modern friendship. Because truth is, our platonic relationships are often the most complicated. Send us your friendship dilemmas here, and we might feature one in a future column.
Most friendships will never be truly 50/50, but at the very least they run on an unspoken agreement: both people show up, reach out, and add some fuel to the tank that keeps the engine going. If that balance consistently feels off—not just once or twice, but over the course of weeks or months—it’s hard not to wonder whether something deeper is going on.
You might notice in small but telling ways: Looking back at your messages, it dawns on you that you’re initiating every conversation. They call, if at all, only when they’re bored or when it’s convenient. And then there’s the sharper sting of noticing how effortlessly they find time for other people—just not for you (a surprisingly common frustration you can read more about here).
To be fair, life can get in the way—people get busy, schedules clash, and our friends can’t always be as available as we’d like—but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or stop you from feeling resentful when you’re waiting days for a simple “How are you?” But how do you know if this is a temporary lapse or a more unhealthy one-sided friendship? Here are the biggest red flags therapists want you to watch out for.
1. They never call or text first.
Look through your texts and DMs: Are you always the first to send a message? When’s the last time they suggested hanging out? You can also experiment by not reaching out to see how long it takes for them to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without a word, their silence may indicate who’s really holding this connection together.
“At a minimum, a good friend (even a busy one) will periodically check in out of curiosity and interest,” Tiana Leeds, LMFT, a therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF. After all, someone who truly cares about you should want to know what’s going on in your life, which is why if they consistently don’t try to get in touch (or only expect you to do so), they may not be genuinely interested in your world.